That Strange letter “r”

My computer has a mind of its own, I am convinced of this. Especially where the letter “r” is concerned. Either that or there are such things as goblins. Email goblins. Or maybe hobgoblins. Are hobgoblins above goblins or below goblins, you know in the goblin order of things? Like do goblins have to take orders from hobgoblins or maybe serve them breakfast? What do hobgoblins eat for breakfast anyway? But I digress. What was I talking about? Hell yes you care! Email! That’s what it was. There is a letter “r” hobgoblin in my computer just laying in wait for me to begin tapping away on my qwerty keyboard. Actually mine’s a qw_rty keyboard because the “e” has worn off completely. Fortunately for me, since it’s the only key that is indecipherable, I know where it is based purely on deduction. See, all the other keys have letters on them and it doesn’t so I know it must be the letter “e” because it couldn’t be the other letters since the other letters aren’t “e”, then that key must be. But I digress again because the letter under suspicion of hobgoblinism isn’t “e”, it’s “r”. The letter “r” is showing up in all the wrong places like love in that song by Johnny Lee. Actually I thought it was by the guy who owns the bar in Urban Cowboy, you know with John Travolta, Deborah Winger and that really pretty, tall, attractive other girl (who never made another movie and nobody knows her name). What’s that country singer’s name? Mickey something, Mickey, ummmmm, I know it’s not Mouse, it’s ummmmm, Gilley! That’s it! Like Gilley’s Island where Gilley is stranded on the island with Skippy, Miriam, Ginger, Mr. and Mrs. Powell and the perfessor. But Mickey Gilley didn’t write it, he just sang it really badly. Mel Torme does a heart stirring rendition of that song. But he doesn’t have a bar in Texas. His bar is in Tillamook Oregon. The director was like “Look, a bar in Tillamook Oregon won’t work because the artificial bull riding scene won’t make any sense and there’s no such thing as artificial salmon riding. No! No one will buy it! The movie will be a big flop and I for one am not going to idly stand by and let this travesty of movie making just spill all over the sidewalk like humpback intestines on the deck of a Japanese whaling ship. Get that bad singing bar owner in Texas to sign and do whatever it takes. Boots, cattle, those little drink umbrellas, whatever.” But I digress because this is about the hobgoblin-enabled letter “r” in my computer and nothing else. That’s all this is about. I type words. I put them in an email “envelope” if you will, and I email them. Somewhere, somehow, the letter “r” makes it’s way in or out of my emails without so much as a how do you do. Sometimes it doesn’t seem sinister yet it is. Completely sinister. The level of sinisterism is like orange or red. Magenta maybe. Here, let me give you an example. I write:

“Please provide your portion to our team in the service department so they can get their work done” and it turns into “potion” as if by magic.

“Please provide your potion to our team…”

Now it appears that I’ve called the recipient a witch! This could be passed off as a minor typographical error except the recipient is so witch-like that no one dares even acknowledge the email message ever existed for fear that they will have a horrible spell cast upon them. No, it’s true! She is so hag-like, no one will go anywhere near her cubicle. Her last supervisor actually stood in the pentagram in front of her cubicle to speak to her one morning and by lunch time he had been run over by two buses. TWO freaking buses! She frigging cackles to customers! I shit you not.

An extremely minor reprimand to one of my subordinates was typed thusly:

“Please do not take allow your break to extend quite so long” but where does the “r” disappear from? The “r” disappears from break. Okay, in this case, it’s the only “r” in the sentence but that’s just coincidental! What isn’t coincidental is that this subordinate has a nose the size of a compact car and I’ve just told him not to allow his “beak” to extend so long. You don’t understand! His kids stand under this man’s nose at the bus stop when it’s raining so they don’t get wet! Four kids! He gathers them under there like ducklings.

I’ve become a pariah! All because the letter “r” appears and disappears at will. Some little hobgoblins will. I have no idea what to do. I wrote an email to my boss requesting help. I typed:

“Mr. Fruckhead, I need to take a leave of absence…”
I don’t know if he even read the second line before he fired me.

Overheard From A Men’s Bathroom Stall

Male Voice: So Mr. Happy, how are things going today?

High-Pitched Voice: Oh, pretty good. How about you?

MV: Hey, pretty good, thanks for asking.

HPV: (humming sounds) So, what did you think of that little waitress down at the Waffle House this morning?

MV: Wow! She was a real cutie.

HPV: Yeah, she was veerrrrryyy pretty…

MV: She certainly was. I was just thinkin’ about her.

HPV: I sensed that you were.

MV: Well, you know, she was very pretty.

HPV: I know how you love uniforms.

MV: Uniforms? She was wearing a Waffle House outfit.

HPV: But wouldn’t she look nice in a French maid’s outfit?

MV: Oh, my. Yes she would wouldn’t she?

HPV: (voice getting a little lower) She really would.

MV: I see you’re giving that some thought…

HPV: Yes. Yes I am…

MV: Hey… just what do you think you’re doing?

HPV: (voice lower still) That waitress was being extra special nice to us.

MV: What? I thought she was just doing her j…

HPV: (voice lower than MV) She was flirting with us, you know it’s true.

MV: What are you doing?!

HPV: (voice low and gravelly) She wanted us! You could tell, couldn’t you?!

MV: Down, dammit! You are not starting this here!

(Sound of feet shuffling across the floor)

HPV: (voice lower still) You knew it! She was leaning over and you wouldn’t even look!

MV: I’m not like you! I respect wom…

HPV: (Voice almost demon-possessed) She was there to take, you wimp! I am sick and tired of you passing chances like this by…

MV: That’s enough!

HPV: It’s never enough! Never! I want…

MV: No! You will not do this again! I’ll stop you this time, I swear!

HPV: You’ll never stop m… (voice choked-off)

MV: That’s it! I’m gonna strangle you, you despicable creature.

HPV: (Choking and coughing sounds) Aggghhhh, stop! (more choking and coughing sounds)

MV: This will fix you!

HPV: You’re killing me! Stop!

MV: Not unless you behave! I’ve had it with you!

HPV: (still choking sounds interspersed with gasping words) I’ll stop… I’ll stop.

MV: For good?

HPV: (ragged voice) Yes, yes! For good

MV: Promise?

HPV: I will! I promise!

MV: Okay.

HPV: (choking, coughing sounds getting better)

MV: You okay?

HPV: Yeah, I think so.

MV: I really hated doing that but you gotta learn, you know.

HPV: Yeah, yeah I know

MV: Jeez, you’re kinda, I dunno, puffy…

HPV: I’ll be okay.

MV: Really? You need a hand?

HPV: No, I’m… well maybe

MV: Here you go… is that better?

HPV: Oh, yeah, that’s better…

MV: I thought so.
HPV: Oh, yeah. That’s really good. Oh yeah (voice getting a little deeper)